Denne siden ble sist oppdatert 23.05.2010
The trhee daughters
A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked each one of them to phone home the day after and subtly indicate about their\par respective husband's sexual performance. The first one said, "It was like Maxwell Coffee". The Mother was\par confused until she later noticed a Maxwell Coffee add which said: "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP...". Then the second daughter got married and phoned home and whispered: "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for a Rothmans add, and it said: "LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE". And the mother was pleased. Then it was the third one's wedding. After a week she phoned but could only mumble: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". The mother frantically went through the newspaper looking for a British Airways add. "Oh-my-god!" she cried. "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS".
Med kona på by'n
Dave's wife decides he deserves a special present for his birthday, so she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
The wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
The wife is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser"."No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"The wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The Blonde and the Cute Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later,
as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,"352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color,
can I have my dog back?"
There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. \par After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.\par Well a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing. So.......... They buried her.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual
about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the
longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls
back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,"Just think, honey, we've
been married for 50 years.""Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.""I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as shy birds fifty years ago.""Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"Where upon the two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table."You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman
replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde
woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current
professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it
Two drunks are at the bar.The first guy says, "Let's have one more drink and then go find some broads." The other guy says, "Nah, I've got more than I can handle at home." The first guy says, "Then let's have one more drink and go to your place."
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Here we are in the Vatican, and one morning the Pope wakes up in a tent. Hehas a kick-stand...a boner. If you're a guy, Pope or no Pope, some mornings
you wake up with a boner. This particular boner, he could cut glass with. And he's feeling a little romantic...so he figures, what the hell, he's gonna run off a batch...he's going to jerk off. So the Pope's yankin' his Franklin, he's having a merry old time, and he's just about to launch his tadpoles, when a guy comes bursting into the bedroom and takes his picture. The Pope jumps up and he freaks out. He says, "Give me that camera! Give me that film! You'll ruin me! I'm the
Pope!" The guy says, "You're crazy. I'm gonna sell this picture to the tabloids and make myself a fortune." The Pope says, "Look, I've got five thousand dollars right here in my dresser drawer. Please, sell me the camera. Don't destroy me..." The guy says, "All right, already." They make the transaction, and the Pope puts the camera on the dresser. A few hours later, in comes an audience for the Pope, and in the front is a little Japanese guy. The Japanese guy sees the camera on the dresser, and he says, "Ahh...you have camera?" The Pope says, "Why...yes, I have a camera." The Japanese guy says, "Ahh...how much you pay for that camera?"
The Pope says, "Five thousand dollars." The Japanese guy says, "Ahh...they must have seen you comin'."
Did you hear the first Viagra baby has been born? It could stand up right away.
A guy walks into his doctor's office and hands him a note that says, "I can't talk, please help me." The doctor says, "Put your penis on the table." The guy takes out his penis, and after he puts it on the table, the doctor takes a rubber mallet and smacks! it... The guy goes, "Aaaa!" The doctor says, "Very good. Come back tomorrow and we'll start on the b's."
A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it will start me on a coughing fit." The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't...I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place." The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy says, "Because I'm drunk. Didn't you see the way I was driving, you asshole?"
A black guy goes up to the manager of a bank and says, "I's looking for a job." The manager says, "What timing you've got. We have a position available
starting tomorrow...$45,000 a year, a car, and full benefits." The black guy says, "You're joking..." The bank manager says, "Yeah, but you started it."
A guy goes into the dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down his zipper, and takes out his dick. The dentist says, "What are you doing? I'm a dentist."
The guy says, "There's a tooth in there."
A woman gets badly burned, and they graft skin from her husband's ass to rebuild her face. After the series of operations, she looks great.
She says, "Honey, how can I ever repay you?" He says, "I get paid back every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not" giggles the woman. "Good" he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
There were two guys sitting in a bar, and one of them was worried about going home because his wife was going to be mad. The other guy told him not to worry and outlined his "never fail" plan. You go home, slip off your clothes, slip into bed, and perform oral sex on your wife. Then you get up and go to the bathroom and then slip back in bed. She'll think that you have been there all night
So the guy goes home and does exactly what his buddy said. He slips off his clothes, climbs into bed and performs oral sex, and when he's done, he gets up and goes into the bathroom to wash up.
To his surprise, there's his wife sitting on the toilet.
He says" WHAT THE HELL!!!" and she says "SHHHH be quiet....
Mom's spending the night......."
Get off together
This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his
wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated
because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time."
The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to that. the next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason
that makes women get off."
Even though it was against his better judgement, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways. About 3 months later, by chance they met up
again, and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not
exactly!!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy." she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked
"What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said.
"I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
The programmer and the engineer...
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would
like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer
persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains
'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.'
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'
This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more that a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, It's a lot of money. After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right|). The bank's president then asked her how much she would deposit. She replied, 165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, I make bets. The president then asked, Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000 that your balls are square. Ha, laughed the president, That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet.The little old lady challenged, So, would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the president, I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square.The little old lady then said, Okay, but since there is a lot a lot of money involved, may Ibring my lawyer with me tommorrow at 10:00 am as a witness? Sure, replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side again & again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: 25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so could al see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay , said the president, 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, What the hell's the matter with your lawyer? She replied, Nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town
of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said,
This is a Silcon Valley Joke
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
In the church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church.
"Reverend," she said, " I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during
your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again. She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!"
The sermon was over.
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the
wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the Doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.
The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"
To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"
A little hoop humor
A woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back
with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and
she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit
odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS." He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS"."
Which condom would you use...
Pick your choice!
Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, itdoesn't belong in your face..
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
MCI: for friends and family
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
The Domino's Pizza Condom: For Hot and Wild Now
Load them things
To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his dick. As he was determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on it and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, his sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen. On finding him him with his dick immersed in the glass of milk, she exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"
A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I
The doctor says, "Which position do you use?"
The lady says, "We always do it doggie style."
The doctor says, That's your problem. Try using the missionary position."
She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath."
What a sucker
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. Hewatches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying tohimself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
There was this hunter in Norway who was out hunting for bears. He was in the
forest when he suddenly saw a familiar lump of dark fur behind some firs and he
took aim with his rifle and fired a few shots. But when he walked over, there
was no blood and no trace of a bear. The hunter was confused when suddenly he
felt a tap on his shoulder: when he turned around, he was confronted by the
biggest, most vicious looking bear imaginable. The bear said, 'You were shooting
at me, weren't you?', the hunter could do nothing but nod, too scared to show
terror. 'OK', said the bear, 'this is how it goes: I can either kill you right
now, or you pull down your pants, bend over and I give you a Salami Slammer'.
The hunter hated the thought, but he wanted to live, so he said 'OK..', after
half an hour, the bear left with a big smile on his face and the enrage and
humiliated hunter left with a case of severely aggravated hemorrhoids...
Next week, the same hunter was back for revenge...this time with a grenade launcher. He spotted the familiar lump of dark fur, and then aimed the launcher and fired 3 rounds: the forest for over 100 square meters was blown apart. Nothing could possible have survived that. But as the hunter walked over to survey the destruction, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, and it was the same bear. 'OK', said the bear, 'I think you know the choice...' After 1 hour, we have one happy bear and a hunter that could barely walk...
The next weekend, the piece of the forest is disturbed by the roar of a ground attack plane, the hunter at the controls: he spots the bears image on his infrared scanners, and simultaneously drops all his napalm bombs, fires his cannon and rockets: 3 kms of forest is a smoldering ruin. He lands the plane and gets out, surveying the total annihilation. 'Got you, bear', he smiles. He feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around. It's the bear. The hunters heart sinks.
But the bear smiles, puts a friendly paw on the hunters shoulder and says, 'Hey buddy, let's be honest, you're not coming here for the hunting, are you...?'
A priest and a nun
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a
small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"
Three men, Tom , Dick, and Harry were discussing what to get their wives for
Tom loved and respected his wife so much that he worried if his taste in gifts would equal that of his wife's. He told Dick and Harry that he bought his wife two gifts. "I bought her a beautiful necklace made of pearls and a lovely scarf to go with it." said Tom. "That way, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can cover it up with the scarf."
Dick felt the same of his wife and told his friends, "I bought a stunning gold ring and a pair of silk gloves for my wife. That way, if she doesn't like the ring, she can cover it up with the gloves"
Harry spoke up immediately and said, "That's nothing!!! I bought an expensive evening gown for my wife and a dildo to go with it!"
Tom and Dick looked puzzled and one spoke up asking, "Why a dildo??"
Harry answered, "I figured that, if she didn't like the dress, she could go fuck herself!!"
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have
a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude
up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and
asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says: "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around".
A father decided that his son was old enough to learn about sex, so he sent
the boy down to the local whorehouse with a duck to use as payment.
The boy told the madam who he was, and she led him into one of the rooms. The whore took the duck (did I mention it was a live one?) and set it down, and showed the boy the ways of sex.
They both had a great time, and the whore said, "I'll give you back the duck if you'll have sex with me again, ok?" How could he refuse this? So they did it again, and he took the duck with him when he (finally!!) left.
Now, he had to cross a busy highway on the way home, and as he was crossing the street with his duck (on a leash, of course) thistruck drove by and killed the duck. *splat!*
The boy wasn't that upset because he had already planned on using the duck as collateral, but the driver jumped out of the truck, apoligised profusely, and gave the boy $2.
When he got home, his father asked him how it went: "You've been gone awhile, son!" *wink!*
And the boy responded:
"Yeah, it was great! I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!!!"
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.Just as he
was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing
it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer,desperately hanging on to a life
preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.Outside of the beautiful
scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost
all hope, and for hours on end sat under the same palm tree. One day, after
several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship too?"
"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well," she said, "I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp toppedwith a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk (which she had laid) and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had the beard?"
"No, the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well, if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a shorttime, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely too? Isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island, all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE??!!??!!"
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American
shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is this, Father?".
The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
30 years after
The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they
decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding
Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" She asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job."
Twelve Shots of Whiskey
A man goes in to a bar and orders twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses on the bar, then fills them with whiskey. Looking at the man with curiosity, the bartender asks: "Are these all for you?" "Yup," says the man. "Well," says the bartender, "what are you celebrating?" "My first blow job," says the man."Hey, in that case," says the bartender, "let me pour you one more, on the house!" "Nah," says the man, "If twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will."
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Joe, Billy, and Tom were walking home from school one warm spring day. As
they were cutting through the alleys and back yards they happened to look
through a hole in the fence of one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in
As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends, trying to catch him were soon left far behind.
The next day, as they came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot.
On the third day, Johnny and Tommy agreed on a plan. They would be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. I started to feel something getting awfully hard ..."
De syv små dverger
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on
comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
Another Face Lift
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and
buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind
me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!"
This makes him feel really good! While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a mans age . . . If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on
the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl
and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open,
and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks
out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...".
He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm don't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - that was me!!!"
After the annual office Summer-party, John woke up with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his
wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole! Piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well fuck him and his whole board of directors," growled John.
"I did. You're back to work on Monday."
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and are talking about all sorts
of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member--about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says the woman.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims as they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, the Earth male asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she says, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Sex with the Teacher
This little boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He
replies, "I had sex with my teacher today". "Oh my god! you get to your room!
Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.
A while later the father comes home and his wife says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Allright! that's my boy!", says dad. "ya know son, women just don't think like men. but i'm proud of you. What are you now, about ten, right? wow, that's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting."
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
Blondes are Great
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and
offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.